Mulch's Escape
by Chaz Nosretep
Summary: Takes place after chapter seven in the first Artemis Fowl book. Mulch is captured by cat burglar. Completed.


Mulch's Escape  
  
By Chaz Nosretep  
  
The kleptomaniac dwarf, Mulch Diggums, set the last bars of gold down in the cave. It was a small underground cave that Mulch had discovered with his sonar, something all dwarfs have. He had planned on sleeping in his tunnel, but this was much better, not to mention an abundant supply of water in the nearby pool. Mulch stripped down and sunk into the pool, seeping the moisture in through his pores. Dwarfs can absorb water through their skin as well as their mouths. This comes in handy when you're in a tunnel. He lay back, resting his head on a comfortable rock, and planned his next move. He had escaped from LEP with a large stash of gold. The question now was what to do with it. He fancied buying a penthouse, but the problem was finding a real-estate agent who was open in the night. Dwarf's skin is very sensitive to light and direct sunlight would kill Mulch within three minutes. Mulch suspected that he would manage all right. Humans would do anything for money. Money. perhaps he should get the gold traded for cash. Probably American money would be best. It was accepted almost anywhere in the world. He would get the best deal on the gold if he sold it to an authentic dealer in precious metals, but that was risky. Authentic dealers would want to know where the gold came from, something that Mulch certainly did not want to reveal. The gold was stolen. Stolen from right under the noses of the LEP, the Lower Element Police. The gold had been a ransom for the LEPrecon (often misspelled by humans as leprechaun) officer, an elf named Holly Short, who had been captured by a human named Artemis Fowl. Mulch's involvement in the affair had been a deal made with the LEP to shorten his sentence for theft. Mulch, however, had escaped with a substantial amount of the ransom in the form of twenty-four carrot gold bars. Now he had to sell the gold and begin his life as a millionaire. Mulch got out of the pool and stretched out on the ground. He loved being a thief. The next evening Mulch woke up and got a drink from the pool. Noticing his rumbling stomach, he unhinged his jaw and began to tunnel upwards. Dwarf tunneling is a strange phenomenon. They dig in much the same way an earthworm does. Like reptiles they can unhinge their jaw, allowing them to ingest several pounds of dirt per second. Their super-efficient digestive system strips the dirt of useful minerals. Not pretty, but effective. Mulch burst from the surface and found himself on the outskirts of a small village. It was the middle of the night, the perfect time for a Dwarf to get some food. He got out of the tunnel and started walking towards the village. It wouldn't do him any good to tunnel there. The asphalt on the roads would kill him. Besides, unlike most fairies, dwarfs can easily pass as human. A human midget, that is. Mulch walked up the road of the small town and looked around for a place where he might be able to swipe some food. The only place open was a 24-hour gas station/convenience store. A professional burglar like Mulch, who had in the past defeated the most complex of security systems, should have had no problems swiping a snack. Mulch walked into the parking lot of the gas station/convenience store. The first thing he did was to seek relief from the bright lights that hurt his eyes. He quickly pick-pocketed a pair of sunglasses from the pocket of a man who was standing outside the gas-station smoking. Mulch slipped them on. Though dark by human standards, they were not as good as Mulch wished. They were, however, better than nothing. He walked into the shop and looked around. It was small and with the help of a mirror the cashier had a good view of the entire store. This did not detour Mulch. When the cashier's head was turned he selected a candy bar from the rack and hurtled it at a shelf of soda cans on the opposite side of the small shop. The cans came crashing to the ground and the cashier jumped in fright, then turned to see the mess. He sighed and walked over to the jumble and began to reshelf the cans. Mulch worked quickly, filling his arms with as much beef jerky and bottled water as he could lay his hands on. Then he quickly scurried out the door. Once outside Mulch started walking as quickly as he could back towards his tunnel hole. He had made it almost half way there when a voice stopped him cold. "Nice work you pulled off at the convenience store back there, Shrimp." Mulch dropped his food and whirled to find himself face to face with a rather small pale man with a large nose smoking a cigarette. Mulch recognized him immediately as the man whose sunglasses he had pinched. The man was holding a gun and gave it a little wave. "Put you're hands on your head where I can see 'em." Mulch reluctantly dropped his snack foods and put his hands on his head. The gunpowder weapon, though nothing as sophisticated as the directed energy weapons that the LEP used, was quite effective at punching holes in you at close range. "Now," said the stranger, "How about you hand me my sunglasses and we can talk. Mulch reluctantly took the glasses off, squinting in the light of the street lamp a short distance off.  
"It's like this, you see," said the man. "Like yourself, I am a career criminal. Don't try to deny it. I can spot a pro when I see one. You managed to pickpocket me, and I ain't any green horn. After all, who hasn't heard of The Panther?" Mulch suppressed a snort of laughter. He had heard of The Panther. The Panther was a cat burglar who had gotten many of Mulch's own jobs blamed on him. The dwarf had looked at the police reports he had gained from a fairy computer with some distain. The Panther was a sloppy worker by Mulch's standards. He had blotched several jobs and only escaped because of his skill with weapons. In general, the Panther's methods were far less subtle then Mulch's. When Mulch did a job, the owner of the valuables usually never found out until they opened their safes to find the item missing. The Panther, on the other hand, was far too flashy. He snuck in and got what he was after usually setting off at least one or two alarms. He then would make a fast break usually firing off his automatic pistols and causing a massive disturbance.  
"Anyway," said The Panther. "I could use a guy like you. You could be my right hand man. You could help with the small stuff. Besides you're a midget! No one would suspect you and you could get into all sort of small spots for me. So what do you say?"  
"Um, I'd rather work alone," said Mulch looking nervously down the barrel of the automatic pistol. The Panther frowned and fingered the trigger.  
"Who said you and a choice, Runt?"  
  
Mulch sat in the back of a SUV that was driving down the highway. The bright headlights from other vehicles were hurting his eyes and The Panther had not let him bring along his jerky. In short, he was half blinded, hungry, and in a very bad mood. He had made several plans for escape already. None of them would do him any good now. He needed to get out of the car and find a patch of open ground for a tunnel. He could then make his way back to where he had left his precious gold. The only problem was getting out of the car. Mulch could not chew through the metal doors. And the glass would cut his stomach into diced meat. "Hey, Panther?" "Call me Ernie, Shrimp." "Uh, Ernie, could we make a quick stop? Call of nature." "Sorry, Shorty. We have to get back to my place pronto. Besides, I ain't given you any chance to escape." Mulch fumed inwardly. There goes that idea. Perhaps he could try another tactic. After waiting several minutes he said, "Hey Ernie, doesn't a big juicy uh." Mulch searched his mind for a favorite human food. He himself was only interested in beef jerky. "A big juicy what?" said Ernie. "Uh. hamburger," said Mulch as they passed a road sign that had an advertisement for Burger-King on it. " A huge double patty with extra cheese and onions with a thick slab of tomato and a side of fries. Doesn't that sound good to you?" said Mulch, repeating the billboard. "Yeah, it does," said Ernie "What exit did that sign say to turn off on?" "This one coming up," said Mulch, trying desperately to contain his excitement. Ernie began to turn onto the exit, but suddenly swerved back to the road. "Hey, you're trying to trick me! I'm not even hungry! Nice try punk! No one outsmarts The Panther." "We'll see about that," thought Mulch.  
  
Some time later the car pulled up in front of a penthouse apartment building in the expensive district of town. Ernie opened the door for Mulch, then led him inside. They got into the elevator and went up to the third story, getting out at the door to Ernie's room. The room was expensively decorated with a massive wide-screen TV in the wall. Despite the circumstances, Mulch was very impressed with the apartment. Ernie went over to the bar and got himself a beer. Turning to Mulch he asked, "Do you drink beer Shorty?" "No thanks," said Mulch "Water is best for me." The thief looked perplexed and went into the kitchen muttering something about a crazy water-drinking midget. Mulch took the time to size up his situation. There was fireplace with a chimney at one end of the room. Near it was a large fish tank full of water. Mulch strode across the room and peered in at the colorful fish swimming there. Just then Ernie returned with a tall glass of water. "Here you go, Shorty," he said with a grin, handing Mulch the glass. "You like my salt water fish? They're imported directly from the coral reef in Australia." "Salt water fish?" said Mulch " How do you salt them? Do you just wave a salt shaker over the tank?" "Nope," said Ernie. "I use these special concentrated salt crystals." He reached over to the table the tank was sitting on and picked up a jar. "They are real concentrated, so I don't have to use very many of them. Just a couple every now and then."  
  
Ernie sat down on the sofa, turned on the TV, and immediately became absorbed in an old Bay Watch rerun. Mulch waited until he was sure the human was completely inert and grabbed the bottle of salt crystals. He had an idea. Dwarf pores, as I already told you, absorb water. If a dwarf gets too thirsty the pores will become over-active, sucking so hard for water that they can stick on to things. This can be bad when you want to set the remote down, but climbing is another story. Mulch dropped all the salt crystals into his drink and stirred it with his thumb. When the water had become white with super-concentrated salt crystals, Mulch chugged the water. It took a lot of self-control not to spit out the salty brine, potent enough to kill a normal human by dehydration, but dwarfs are much better at going without water. Mulch almost immediately felt the water being sucked out of his system by the salt. It was not a pleasant feeling at all. Mulch sunk to the floor covering his mouth to stifle a groan. He watched as his pores opened wide as pinholes adhering to the carpet. Quickly pulling his hands free, Mulch yanked his boots off, tied the laces, and fastened them to his belt. He then put his hands on the wall and began to climb up and onto the ceiling. He moved as quickly as he could, right over Ernie's head and into the kitchen. The kitchen had a large window above the sink that Mulch fancied as his exit. Just then his sensitive nose noticed the smell of something very delicious from the fridge. Mulch dropped to the floor and opened the fridge door. In it he found, to his joy, an economy size packet of beef jerky. He grabbed it out of the fridge and stuffed it in his belt, deciding that it would taste much better after he gave his thirsty pores a drink. Just then Mulch's hairy ears pricked up. He could hear the noise of footsteps coming down the hall. From his long years of burgling Mulch easily identified the sound: a dog's feet padding along the hall. Mulch scrambled for the ceiling, but it was to late. The dog walked into the room. It was a small hairless dog that, upon seeing a small person adhering on the wall, launched into loud yapping. Mulch grabbed a piece of jerky from the bag and tossed it to the dog, which immediately stopped yapping and wolfed down the treat. It started yapping again, this time with a more expectant ring to its voice. Mulch grabbed a handful of jerky from the bag and threw it on the floor, scattering it about the kitchen. The dog, overjoyed with this unexpected new way of procuring food, dashed about the floor nipping up the treats. Mulch quickly began moving for the window, but just as he reached it the barking began again. This time it was louder than ever. Mulch heard Ernie yelling from the living room for the dog to shut up or he would come in there. The dog had eaten a few more pieces of jerky, and was apparently tired of the treat. He was now expecting something better and began yelping with renewed vigor. Mulch heard the sound of Ernie shifting restlessly on the couch. He had to shut the dog up. Unhinging his jaw, Mulch leapt down from the wall and pounced on the dog. In the living room, Ernie heard the dog give one startled yip and then there was silence. He sighed happily and returned his attention to Bay Watch. In the kitchen Mulch wiped his mouth politely. The dog had been rather succulent. He would have to find out the breed. He turned his attention back to the window and started climbing the wall again. He made it half way up the double thick pane to the hatch. But unfortunately for Mulch, the window frame was old and had begun to rot. It was unable to support his weight. With a crash the window gave way and Mulch fell into the water filled sink with a loud splash and the sound of breaking glass that Mulch knew even the human in the living room couldn't ignore. Mulch was right. Ernie, with both automatics drawn, leapt into the room. Now he actually looked like The Panther instead of a small man with a large nose. He took one look at the situation and nonchalantly slipped one of the automatics into the holster and leveled the other at Mulch. "No-one crosses The Panther, Shrimp. This apartment is sound proof, so nobody's going to come to save you. Say your prayers!" Mulch leapt from the sink, narrowly missing being turned into fairy Swiss cheese by the pistol. He dropped to the floor and rolled, missing another burst of bullets. Moving very quickly he hurtled the bag of jerky at Panther. Though not a very heavy missile, it served the purpose of distracting him for a precious second. Mulch unhinged his jaw and leapt forward, brining his teeth down on the gun. The powerful jaws, used for tunneling through hard earth, crushed the weapon like tin foil. Mulch tackled The Panther to the ground, putting his teeth in position over the man's neck. "Don't move or I'll bite down," said Mulch as clearly as he could with his jaw unhinged. Ernie whimpered and lay still. Mulch quickly tied up Ernie's legs with his belt and left him there. As Mulch turned his back, Ernie, who still had his arms loose, slowly reached for his pistol. His hand closed on the handle and he quickly drew it out. He gave a cry of dismay when he discovered was holding a brush from his own kitchen sink. Hearing Ernie's cry, Mulch turned at the door and waved the pistol. "This belong to you?" he said and turned and emptied the clip into Ernie's TV." "Bet you won't get your deposit back now," said Mulch with a grin, dropping the pistol on the ground. Smiling, Mulch Diggums walked out the door. 


End file.
